Kitten Torture

This post is about keeping your already tamed kittens socialized. I call it kitten torture, for reasons you will soon find out. I will likely write a future post about socializing your feral kittens. Please DO NOT use this on your feral kittens. You will lose your lips.

So you've just taken your kittens home to foster for a few weeks, now what? Sadly, you can't just throw them in a room and lock the door like you can children.

"And then, officer, she gave me lukewarm milk with my cookies."

No, your kittens need love and attention so they don't turn into mean snarling feral balls of fur and teeth. My patented method is called (lovingly) Kitten Torture. Basically you want to subject your kitten to all the abusive loving they are going to get upon going to their permanent home. If they can't handle it, you'll need to change what they need in a home. Otherwise, get ready to have fun!

1) OH GOD NO THE KISSING

It'll be a cold day in hell before you find an adopter who does not want to smother their kitten in kisses. Unfortunately the reaction to a pair of gigantic scary lips coming towards your face is usually "Scratch the hell out of it." With some help from you, you can take this reaction down a notch to just resigned acceptance.

Please...call OHS.

2) Hands are not for Hurting

Kittens love to play. I think everyone knows this, right? They will play with literally anything. Toys, food, blankets. Each other. Poop. Hands.

Is that a toy or poop? Better play with it anyway.

I think you know which toy I'm concerned about on this list. That's right: hands. It's important to teach your kittens early on that hands are not toys. Sure, it's cute when they're small and adorable. But imagine ten pounds on that thing and claws three times bigger. Then you're looking at stitches.

What, you never heard of a bro fist?

Normally you want to take your hand away immediately and say "no!" or even yelp at them. Then you replace your hand with a toy. Or hair. Hair is funny if it's long enough. If it's too short you'll lose an eye, though.

Is that an eyeball or a toy? Better play with it anyway.

3) The Belly Blow

Be careful with this one. It's hilarious when done correctly, but you need to prepare. First, cut your kitten's nails. As short as you can without quicking it. Then, make sure your kitten is comfortable being held on his or her back. Some kittens need time to get used to being held like that, some never will like it. Either way if they freak out in the middle of the tummy blow you could end up with a face full of claws. Also, make sure your kitten doesn't bite when surprised or playful. This could also end badly for your face.

Once you're sure you've prepared (and I hold no responsibility if you haven't), take your kitten, stretch them out on their back, and blow on their belly!

I WILL KILL YOU HUMAN

4) Boob Job

No, this isn't as inappropriate as it sounds. Most girls do it naturally anyway. Again, clip those damn nails.

Kitten claws are my mortal enemy.

Young kittens can't control their body temperature, which means they get cold very easily. Usually they use mom's heat to keep warm, but sometimes they don't have mom.

And they have the saddest story ever told.

Women have these wonderful mounds of fat on their chest that are for some reason attractive to men and also serve as awesome heat packs. When I worked at the shelter and we had a cold orphan come in, between the boobs is the first place they went. It took some time to make a bed, set up a heating pad, get them situated and make food. In this time they would fit snugly between my boobs, leaving me hands free to do all that!

There are thousands of inappropriate kitten boob pics out there, but I give you this one,
because this is a blog about kittens, not boobs, you perverts.

So, to recap, kisses are good, hands are not toys, be careful before blowing on the belly, and boobs are warm. Also, poop is a toy. Deal with it.

Thank you to my friend Tara for modeling for these pictures!